Holy Shit! Nancy Grace is Procreating

image_5537244.jpgIf her parasitic presence wasn’t enough to make you vomit, CNN spewing head Nancy Grace has announced she’s pregnant with… TWINS!

Where is Scott Peterson when you need him?

Stick to Walkers and Raisins, Would Ya?

Old people really now how to screw up a good thing.

Just when I was feeling comfortable about sitting on the couch all day, reading gossip, searching for porn and checking MySpace messages, I read about Bill Anderson (not pictured) of Yuma Arizona. This 81-year-old bastard has decided to go on a 2,000-mile bicycle ride around Arizona’s perimeter.

While I think it’s great that old Bill is going to be raising money for a local mission, which provides shelter, meals, showers and clothing to the homeless, couldn’t he have done something else? Something that wouldn’t make this 34-year-old feel like such a useless waste of space?

No word yet on whether Anderson will be riding barefoot in three feet of snow, going uphill both ways.

Does Barack Obama Hate Heavy Metal?

riot-obama.jpg

I have not read, or even seen Barack Obama’s official talking points on heavy metal, but after reading this story, in which the Democratic presidential hopeful warns of a “quiet riot,” I have to say I’m curious.

While he’s ostensibly talking about the growing frustration and resentment among blacks post-Katrina, thanks to the ineptitude of George Bush, could his choice of words signify a deeper meaning? Is Obama trying to tell us he has hatred for the band that told us, no, demanded us, to “Cum On Feel The Noize?” Or, is he like Tipper Gore in that he hates all heavy metal? I guess we’ll know for sure if he starts talking about “Twisted Sisters” and “Judas Priests” ruining the Catholic Church or warning of a “Ratt” in the Bush administration who is “breaking the law, breaking the law.”

Of course, if Obama starts telling our enemies that he’s going to rock them like a hurricane, we’ll know we’re listening to the “wind of change.”

My Adventures on Match.com Part V (Sweet Success?)

(This is the final instalment of a five part series. Click here for Part I, here for Part II, here for Part III and here for Part IV.)

After the Attack of the Tongueless Girl, I decided that match.com was not for me. So, I canceled my subscription. However, I had a week or two left, so I felt like I may as well do one last search. One last round of winking, if you will.

During my search for a lucky winkee, I clicked on a profile that kept coming up to the top nearly every time I was on match.com. I had looked at it a few times, but for some reason I never winked at this cute girl who said she was “irresistibly sarcastic,” liked “dive bars,” and listened to The New Pornographers. I wasn’t intimidated by her, but for some reason I just never winked. I believe it had something to do with the fact that she seemed cool and I felt like I’d be bummed if she didn’t wink back. But, then I realized that if she didn’t wink back, she’d miss out on the T., and she didn’t seem like the kind of woman who would punish herself in such a way. So, I winked and waited.

And waited…

Match.com Alert: CuteSarcasticGurl has winked back at you!

Hell yes she did.

OK, as lame as it is, and as much as it hurts me to do so, I am going to have to stop right here. No, not because things ended badly. Actually, it has been quite the opposite. Things have been going so well between us that anything I would say after this point would be way too personal. Plus, some of it would be so mushy you’d want to fucking vomit. (In other words, it would get me in trouble.) All I can tell you is that she has a full-size tongue and we are really enjoying spending time with each other. It seems like match.com was for me after all.

UPDATE (10/5/07): I really hate this post. What a terrible way to end a five-part series. But, my girlfriend wasn’t crazy about me revealing much more than I did. Anyway, the update is that we are still together, and doing great. In fact, I have moved in. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world, because the woman is incredible, even if she won’t let me blog about our life together.

UPDATE (5/23/09): married.

PREVIOUS POSTS:

My Adventures on Match.com Part I (The Great Sign Up)

My Adventures on Match.com Part II (Let the Winking and Dating Begin)

My Adventures on Match.com Part III (Attack of the Tongueless Girl-Part I)

My Adventures on Match.com Part IV (Attack of the Tongueless Girl-Part II)

My Adventures on Match.com Part V (Sweet Success?)