You Can’t Fuck With the Kids: 17-Year-Old Hacks iPhone, Trades It For a Car

electric-iphone.gifIt was hard deciding on a headline for this post, because I had three that immediately came to mind; “The Kids Are Alright,” “The Youth Gone Wild” and “Electric Youth.” I don’t know about you, but I have a tough time when choosing between The Who, Skid Row, and Debbie Gibson song titles. Besides, “You Can’t Fuck With the Kids” really sums up my feelings on George Hotz, the 17-year-old who hacked the Apple iPhone.

Hotz, who announced the hack last week, has decided to trade his modified iPhone to CertiCell, a Louisville, Ky.-based mobile phone repair company, for a Nissan 350Z and three, 8GB iPhones.

I sure hope record, movie and television companies are paying attention. Sooner or later, these groups are going to have to realize that they are in a total, “Can’t beat ’em, better join ’em” situation. Sure, they can keep spending millions on anti-pirating technology and fruitless lawsuits to stop kids like Hotz, but they need to pause for a moment and listen to those words of wisdom and truth, sung by Debbie Gibson in 1989:

Electric youth
Feel the power, you see the energy
Comin’ up
Coming on strong
The future only belongs
To the future itself/in the hands of itself
And the future is
Electric youth
Its true you cant fight it
Live by it
The next generation…

It’s electric

All of a sudden I’m sad that I’m turning 35 this week and wondering why I wasn’t hacking into things when I was seventeen. Oh yeah, I was too busy huffing gas and listening to Slayer. Had I only listened to Debbie…

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Michael Vick Has Found Jesus!

jesus-vick.jpgWell, Michael Vick finally spoke to the media a few moments ago and less than three minutes into the press conference, the bastard went the “I’ve found Jesus” route.

“Through this situation, I’ve found Jesus and gave my life over to God,” Vick said, before declaring that he will redeem himself.

It’s interesting that Vick didn’t find Jesus while he was murdering dogs. I guess Jesus was too busy in prisons and rehab to hang around Vick’s dogfights. Or maybe he was busy helping other athletes win games, musicians win Grammys and actors win Oscars.

Jamie Foxx Has Played Blind, Now He Plays Dumb

foxx.jpgI take back everything I ever said about Michael Vick being a piece of shit that should be doused in water and electrocuted for what he did to dogs. When I said that, I had no idea that Vick was a victim. Luckily, Jamie Foxx set me straight in this recent interview.

“It’s a cultural thing, I think. Most brothers didn’t know that, you know. I used to see dogs fighting in the neighborhood all the time. I didn’t know that was Fed time. So, Mike probably just didn’t read his handbook on what not to do as a black star.”

I wonder if an Italian star could get away with using the same excuse. “Uh, you know, it’s a cultural thing to whack somebody. We used to see people get whacked in our neighborhood all the time.”

Or what about a white star?

“Uh, you know, it’s a cultural thing to play golf, embezzle large sums of money and keep the black man down. We used to see white-collar crime and racism in our neighborhood all the time.”

Jamie Foxx’s brilliance didn’t stop there.

“I know that cruelty to animals is bad, but sometimes people shoot people and kill people and don’t get time,” Jamie continued. “I think in this situation, he really didn’t know the extent of it, so I always give him the benefit of the doubt.”

I always enjoy the, “but people do X and don’t get time,” excuse. I’ll try to use that next time the po-po tries to give me a speeding ticket. “Officer, I know speeding is bad, but sometimes people hit pedestrians and don’t get a ticket.”

Damn, I just used 275 words to say what should have taken six: Jamie Foxx is an ignorant bastard.

The Michael Vick Case is About Our Love For Dogs; Not Racism

mlk-x-vick.jpg
For more than a month I’ve listened to misguided people screaming that the Michael Vick case is all about race. Of course, these are the kind of people that would tell you that the game of pool is racist, since the white ball controls the table, and to win the game you have to sink the black ball. However, it’s still hard for me to listen to such stupidity, even when I consider its source.

The Michael Vick case has nothing to do with race; it has everything to do with dogs. Unlike humans, who can be shallow and materialistic, dogs understand that life is not about having an iPhone, a summer home, or making sure your shoes are not “so last season.” Food, water, shelter and love; that’s what makes a dog happy. Those things should be enough to make humans happy, but most of the time we focus on what we don’t have.

Anyway, my point is that it should be easy to understand why we love our dogs so much and why there is such a loud outcry against Michael Vick. Had it been golden boy Payton Manning accused of the same crime, there would be just as many people wanting to see him punished. Actually, there would be less people defending Payton Manning than there are defending Michael Vick because a case against Payton Manning wouldn’t be used as a platform to denounce racial injustices. The sad part about black leaders using the Vick case as such a platform is that it dilutes their efforts when the cases really are about race.

Free at Last! Free at Last! For 10 Percent of Your Bail, You are Free at Last!

mlk.jpgMaybe I’m overreacting, but I couldn’t believe the ad I saw plastered on the back of a MARTA bus as I drove through Atlanta this morning.

The ad featured three African Americans, displaying huge smiles underneath the words: “FREE AT LAST.” That would have been fine, had the ad not been for Free At Last Bail Bonds.

I’m not much of a history buff but I’m pretty sure that, during his “I Have a Dream,” speech, Martin Luther King, Jr. didn’t mention anything about bail bondsman, and it seems wrong on many levels to use part of his famous speech in this way. Am I wrong?

The All-Time Worst Blogger of All Time

golden.jpgIf you’re one of the three people who occasionally visit Stale Bread, you know that I’ve been really bad about posting. Initially, I thought I would post every day, but that was when I was unemployed and spending my days watching Golden Girls reruns.

Now that I have a j-o-b, I don’t have time to do much more than work, although once in a while I’m able to sneak in a daydream about Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty and myself enjoying a ménage à trois. But, I digress. What I really wanted to do was share some of the freelance articles I’ve been writing for two.one.five magazine in Philadelphia. They have been for a pretty fun column called The All-Time Worst of All Time. Take a moment to check out the ones I’ve done so far:


The All-Time Worst of All Time — TV Show Endings

The All-Time Worst of All Time — Cover Songs

The All-Time Worst of All Time — Urban Myths

The All-Time Worst of All Time — Rappers

The All-Time Worst of All Time —  Albums By Actors

Flirtin’ With Disaster: How My XM Radio is a Time Waster

flirtin.jpgI love my XM radio, but its music selection perplexes me sometimes. It happened again this morning.

As I was “travelin’ down that lonesome road” to work, I saw that one of the stations was playing Molly Hatchet’s ‘Flirtin’ with Disaster.’ Given that I had my “pedal to the floor” and “my life was running faster,” I selected the station. Nothing like a loud dose of Southern Rock on your way to work, right?

Anyway, after I do my best air drumming, I start channel surfing again and what do I find? Another fucking Molly Hatchet song! I didn’t even know they had songs other than ‘Flirtin’ with Disaster.’

Immediately I’m thinking that someone in the band has just died. No offense to their fans, but Molly Hatchet is not exactly Billy Joel, Madonna, Phil Collins or other artists of their ilk who seem to be playing on at least one XM station 24-hours-a-day.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but just in case you were worried, I was able to confirm that no one in Molly Hatchet died today. I also found out that the lead singer and founding guitarist died in 2005 and 2006 respectfully. Worse than that, I found out that Molly Hatchet is still touring, with only one original member. Ah, now I know where I was going with this; Fuck XM Radio! I just spent the good part of my morning researching Molly Fucking Hatchet. What the hell?