Britney Spears Flopped at the MTV Video Music Awards But How Did She Flab?

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I think by this point, the majority of us can agree that Britney Spears is a train wreck. If there was any doubt, she erased it with her bizarre “performance” at last night’s MTV Video Music Awards. But what is more of a trainwreck is the day-after media coverage of Britney.

I normally don’t have an issue with the parasitic, celebrity gossip magazines and blogs that chronicle every move a celebrity makes. But, sometimes they — I can’t believe I’m going to say this — go too far.

It’s one thing to say someone like Britney Spears is a train wreck (she is), or that her career is in the shitter (it is), but it’s something else to imply that the woman is overweight. I’m looking at the photos from last night and I still can’t understand how Britney is out of shape. Oh, but she is, according to just about every review you read online.

TMZ.com called Britney performance “flabbily frightful.”

Fox News called Britney’s performance a “flabby, bloated, incoherent showing.

CNN.com talked about a “paunch in place of Spears’ once-taut belly.

And that’s just a quick sampling.

I understand that it’s not the media’s job to raise young girls, but does that mean it’s OK to have a hand in destroying them by reinforcing their increasingly negative body images? I probably need to think about this more, because I’m still kind of freaked out that I typed “go too far.” But, it’s just sad for me to read these things, especially after the CDC report about jump in the suicide rate for girls ages 10-14. You can’t tell me it’s not somehow related.

Forget the Seven Year Itch, This is the 17year Fuck

17yearfuck.jpgI probably shouldn’t blog after finishing a bottle of Smoking Loon, but if I don’t do it now, I’ll forget to do it tomorrow. Or I’ll put it off. Or something like that. Damn, I know I had a reason for this blog post…

Oh, yes! Now I remember. I just looked at my blog stats and was disturbed by what I saw. Normally I would be disturbed by the fact that only a handful of people visit my blog, but not tonight. No, what troubled me this time was going through my stats and finding out that someone had found my blog yesterday using the term “17year fuck.”

Now, there was a time in my life when that would have made some kind of sense. During that time, I probably would have had a post or three about high school girls or the Olsen twins. But now that I’m 35 and am thinking seriously about a family, 17-year-olds are not on my mind. But, they are obviously on someone’s mind, and that someone ended up visiting Stale Bread during their search.

That freaks me out, but also gives me some kind of sick pleasure. I imagine some slimy 50-year-old, dick in hand, typing “17year fuck” into Google. Then, what does he get? He gets my ramblings about Michael Vick, The Golden Girls, Jamie Foxx, Whoopi Goldberg and Molly Hatchet. Talk about a boner killer.

Teenage Girls Are Killing Themselves More Often These Days

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There is a new CDC report out that says the suicide rate for girls ages 10-14 jumped nearly 76 percent from 2003 to 2004. I can’t say I’m surprised. I imagine that if I were a young girl and had to deal with a barrage of imagery telling me I had to be a size 2, possess perfect tits, a perfect smile and perfect everything else just so I could be deemed pretty enough to have a group of guys pour champagne on me in a rap video, I would put a gun in my mouth too. Oh wait, the report also said that hanging has surpassed guns as the preferred method.

Great Scott!! Plutonium is On the Move

d-brown.jpgIf you’ve been worried that you’ll never find 1.21 gigawatts of electricity to power your flux capacitor unless you make a deal with a group of Libyan nationalists, you’re in luck.

It seems that the Energy Department is shipping plutonium to to the Savannah River nuclear complex in South Carolina as part of efforts to manage the United States’ plutonium surplus.

Understandably, some people in South Carolina are freaking about about becoming a dumping site for the radioactive element. Forget about the health risks, they now have to worry about becoming a target for terrorists and wild-eyed scientists.

Worst Album Covers

If you have some time to kill today, you should really check out this page, which has 100 of the worst album covers ever. Something I found interesting was that a majority of the covers were from either heavy metal or Christian artists. I always knew they were kindred spirits. Anyway, here are just a few of my favorites:

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Is it Racist to Laugh at R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet?

WARNING: If you haven’t seen R. Kelly’s masterpiece hip hopera, “Trapped in the Closet,” little of what I’m about to yap about will make any sense.

RECOMMENDATION: If you haven’t seen ‘Trapped in the Closet,’ put it in your Netflix queue and be prepared to be entertained.

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I just finished reading this article in the New York Times about ‘Trapped in the Closet,’ and it left me scratching my head. OK, it really left me wanting to converse with its writer, Kelefa Sanneh, who wants the reader to believe that laughing while watching R. Kelly’s over-the-top opus is thinly-veiled racism.

Sanneh didn’t come right out and say that laughing at R. Kelly was racist, but here are just a few statements that sure seem to imply that it is:

1) And yet there is something slightly unnerving about the kind of attention “Trapped in the Closet” has received. Many of its biggest fans seem to think they’re laughing at Mr. Kelly, not with him, as if the whole thing were some sort of glorious, terrible mistake; as if the far-fetched plot turns (most infamously, the policeman cuckolded by the “midget” hiding beneath the sink) and cliffhanger endings (“Oh my God, a rubber!”) were the work of someone who set out to make a traditional musical and failed.

2) R&B lovermen have long been parodied as comically earnest lotharios, blissfully unaware of how ridiculous they sound.

3) Some “Trapped” fans may think they’re flattering Mr. Kelly by praising his alleged insanity or naïveté, but that’s the kind of praise that can easily sound like condescension, especially when directed (as it often is) at African-American performers.

The first and last statement kind of go together, so I’ll deal with those in a minute. As far as the second statement goes, I’m not sure who Sanneh is talking about.

white_barry.jpgThink of R&B lovermen who have been parodied. Who are some that come to mind? Actually, not many come to mine, but the first one that I do think about is Barry White. Barry is THE R&B loverman, armed with a voice that could get help get the panties off a nun. And yes, people parody Barry’s voice and his smooth delivery, but I don’t know anyone who thinks he sounds ridiculous. And even if everyone thought Barry sounded ridiculous, I sure as hell don’t think he would agree. I’m pretty sure he’s an earnest lothario who thinks he sounds cool as hell. And he’d be correct.

82_rkelly.jpgAs for the other two statements, I think Sanneh has it wrong in two respects. First of all, if you watch the first 12 chapters of ‘Trapped’ you see an R. Kelly that is taking himself very seriously. Sure, there is some intended humor, but the real comicality is Kelly’s hubristic delivery. (Unfortunately, in the recently released chapters 13-22, Kelly is VERY aware of himself and the result is less humorous, since the laughs are ALL intended.)

Secondly, it’s not just African-American performers who audiences praise for their alleged insanity or naïveté. For example, it’s great fun to watch Vanilla Ice act tough in, ‘Cool As Ice.’ And what about ‘Glitter,’ which is so bad it’s good? Mariah Carey is serious as she can be in that movie. Ditto for Elizabeth Berkley in ‘Showgirls.’

And even if it is true, and there are people laughing at ‘Trapped in the Closet’ for the “wrong” reasons, I doubt that it would bother R. Kelly much. Instead, I picture him laughing all the way to the bank, pissing on the tellers and screaming, “I’m rich biiaach!”

Sinister Act: Whoopi Goldberg Defends Michael Vick

whoop.jpgI’ve spent way too much time thinking about the Michael Vick situation, but it’s hard not to when you own a pit bull and are also a Falcons’ fan. Anyway, the latest and greatest is that Whoopi Goldberg, who had her debut on The View today, used the time to defend Michael Vick.

“You know from his background this is not an unusual thing for where he comes from,” Goldberg said, echoing the asinine statements made by Jamie Foxx.

After her co-host Joy Behar asked, “How about dog torture and dog murdering?” Goldberg replied, “You’re a dog lover. For a lot of people dogs are sport.” Goldberg even had the nerve to excuse Vick by saying “This is part of his cultural upbringing.”

Will someone please tell me why the “cultural upbringing” is becoming an accepted excuse for Michael Vick? Racism was certainly part of many people’s cultural upbringing, especially in the South, but are we supposed to give a pass to the Klan members who lynched black men and burned churches to the ground? Do we write it all off as “that’s just how they were raised?” Of course not.whoop.jpg