How the Gene Simmons Sex Video Has Scarred Me for Life

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There are things I’ve seen during my life that I will never forget. This is especially true of those that I wish I COULD forget. Things that fall into the “wish I could forget” category include watching a car smash into a parked DOT truck on the interstate, then getting out and seeing a little old lady — who had been riding in the backseat — embedded in the windshield. Another would be the infamous Budd Dwyer suicide video, in which a disgraced politician blew his brains out in front of a room full of shocked people.

As of this week, there is yet another image that will forever scar my psyche – the image of Gene Simmons having sex.

I don’t know why I watched the Gene Simmons sex tape that was “leaked” this week, but I did. I guess I watched it for the same reason most of us watch things we know we shouldn’t. Why we slow down and look out our windows when there is an accident on the highway and little old ladies are embedded in windshields. Why when someone hands us something while saying, “smell this, it’s horrible,” we dutifully take a big whiff. I can’t blame the viewing on my growing up a huge KISS fan. While it is true that I grew up a KISS fan, I would have watched a video of John Forsyth bangin’ Joan Collins, and I never watched Dynasty.

I’ll just blame it on my perverse nature.

Anyway, the thought of Gene Simmons having sex is bad enough, but to see it? EGADS! I say this not because the guy is unattractive, which he certainly is, but because he embodies the word sleazy.

Sleazy is one of those adjectives — like putz, weasel and tool — that you can’t just throw around. While you can call any guy an asshole, you can’t call them sleazy unless it really fits. And when it fits, boy does it fit.

Sleazy fits Gene Simmons like dragon boots with seven-inch heels.

So, watching the Gene Simmons sex video made me feel dirty. It didn’t make me laugh, or even smirk. It just made me feel dirty and nauseous. At least initially.

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Now that I’ve had a few days for the experience to settle deep into my brain, where it will live for the rest of my existence, I find the video to be as sad as it is stomach churning. That’s saying a lot.

First of all, I feel bad for the girl in the video. I don’t normally have a lot of compassion for fake-breasted model types but, in this case, I can’t help it. Here she is, her moment with a rock star of epic proportions and, based on what I gathered watching the instant replay, he turns out to be the worst lay of her life. He, the God of Thunder, turns out to be more like the Dud of Lovers.

I’m not trying to imply that I’m dynamite in the sack, but there are a few important things that Gene and I do differently in the bedroom:

1) I take off my pants, shoes and shirt.
2) I don’t chew gum.
3) I don’t have fucking Foreigner playing in the background! (If you haven’t seen the video, “I Want to Know What Love Is” is playing throughout.)

This is the guy who says — and I believe him – that he’s had sex with more than 4,000 women. Sorry, he calls them “liaisons.”

This is the guy who says that he doesn’t drink or do drugs because he is more interested in “chasing skirt.” You understand how “sleazy” fits Gene now, yes?

In his infamous interview with NPR’s Terry Gross, Gene said the following:

“And if you were in my room and we were going to have a liaison, and you were high, you’d be out on your butt before you could spell your last name. Because if you don’t want to experience me with all the senses God gave you, you don’t deserve to be with me.”

Never does Gene mention that the experience is going to be as dull as possible. I mean, unless it’s in a part of the video that I haven’t seen, he doesn’t even go down on the poor girl. The man has a legendary, lengthy tongue and he doesn’t even use it! What the fuck Gene?!?

Unless you count my Susanna Hoffs’ fantasies in the late ’80s, I’ve never thought about having sex with a rock star, although if I were a woman I’m sure I would have thought about it plenty. In fact, I’d probably be such a slut that I could write a book on all my “liaisons” by now. But, if I force myself to think about sex with a rock star, I imagine something good and tawdry. Something animalistic. Sure, it wouldn’t be, and I would never expect it to be, romantic. But, I would hope the rock star would at least take off his goddamn shirt and pants. And I wouldn’t expect to hear Foreigner in the background even if I were getting corn-holed by Lou Gramm.

Gene not taking his shirt off is something else I found sad about the video. Here we have one of the most egotistical human beings in the world, and when it comes to the safe confines of the bedroom, he’s too insecure to take off his shirt. This reminded me again of the Terry Gross interview. At one point, Gene was rambling on about all his money and said, “Don’t I sound like a happy guy?” Terry Gross simply replied, “Not really, to be honest with you.”

That response sums up what I’ve probably always felt about Gene Simmons but never acknowledged. I was always too busy thinking he was funny, which he can be, and smart, which he certainly is. I was too blinded by his bold statements to see that, underneath all the bluster, he is a sad man. Gene would never admit this, of course, because it would reveal a crack in his ego-finish veneer. But, for those of us who were unfortunate enough to watch him have sex on video and then took the time to analyze it, we know it to be true.

Foreigner playing in the background is making sense to me now. It’s Gene’s cry for help. In his life, there’s been heartache and pain. He doesn’t know if he can face it again. He can’t stop now, he traveled too far, to change his lonely life. He wants to know what love is. He wants you to show him…

I think he’d stand a better chance if he’d take off his clothes and spit out the gum. Or at least start with some cunnilingus.

My First Sleeveface

I just took my first Sleeveface photo. It’s not the most inspired, to be sure, but it’s hard to argue with Neil Diamond. I must go find more records now.

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Hey Mexicans – Learn the Language or Get Out!

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I work at a large media company. I mention this so you’ll understand why this bumper sticker, which is on a fellow employee’s car, is even more disturbing to me than it would normally be.

I wouldn’t be surprised by this display of narrow-minded ignorance if I worked at, say, a Wal-Mart, but I am surprised seeing it where I work. It seems that someone who holds such an a.m. radio/FOX News-influenced view of the world wouldn’t be working for a “liberal” media company. But, that just shows how naive I am. At 35, I finally realize that, no matter where you go, you can’t escape the sad sect of simpletons that view the world through red, WHITE and blue glasses. And, as an aside, I’m willing to bet that whoever drives this car is the type of person who, if they travel at all, goes to a foreign country without making an attempt to learn the country’s language and, upon landing, heads to the closest McDonald’s.

Scamming for Girl Scout Cookies

gscookie.gifSince I enjoy Do-Si-Dos, Samoas and Thin Mints as much as the next guy, I was initially pissed off when I read the story about a group of Girl Scouts in Westminster, Colorado who were scammed by a couple with a fake $100 bill. (Good thing the couple didn’t try this at my neighborhood Kroger.)

But, then I read the story on a different news site, which included a quote from the cookie director:

“It felt and looked wrong and it was a quarter of an inch shorted than a $1 bill,” said Jil Hennessey-Seabolt, the cookie director for Junior Girl Scouts Troop 2121. Hennessey-Seabolt said the Girl Scouts gave the couple $93.50 in change after the purchase.

It felt and looked wrong?!? Then why did you accept it? It’s not like there wouldn’t be plenty more people ready to buy boxes of Girl Scout Cookies with real cash. I guess you don’t have to have a lot of smarts to be named “cookie director.” This may be the best thing that could have happened to those little girls, since it’s never to early to find out that there are a lot of sheisty people in this world, ready and able to take advantage of the greater number of brain dead tools.

The Motherfucking Def Comedy Jam Motherfucker

def_comedy_jam_2.gifI finally got around to watching the new version of Def Comedy Jam last night and all I have to say is fuck motherfucker, what the fuck?

The “comedians” that were on the show seemed to care nothing about the craft of standup comedy and instead relied on saying fuck, motherfucker, shit and nigger every other word.

I kind of remember this being the case during the first run of the series, but in between all the motherfucking non-joke tellers, there were guys like Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle and Cedric the Entertainer; comedians who understand that comedy is something you have to work at. And yes, these guys would say fuck, motherfucker, shit and nigger, but in between those words they actually told jokes. They showcased the kind of insight that is synonymous with the great “blue” comedians such as Richard Pryor.

While the majority of the Def Comedy Jam comedians sound like they’ve heard all the Richard Pryor albums, not many of them sound like they’ve absorbed them. All they seem to have heard were the fucks, motherfuckers, shits and niggers and that’s a shame.

Alone on Valentine’s Day?

If you’re a single woman on Valentine’s Day, there’s hope for you. Just give Bobby a call. He’s got big ol’ brains and will keep you in the bedroom so long they’ll put your face on the back of a milk carton.

Cop Attacks Skateboarder and is NOT a Dude!

There are a few words to describe this Baltimore cop who attacks a young skateboarder, but “dude” is not one of them. He is not man, he is NOT dude! He is officer Rivieri. I love how the cop asks, “Are you from the county or something?!?” They must have some real hooligans leaving out in the county in Baltimore. Just another douche bag with a badge. Looks like he was suspended for this outburst.