Republican Hate Machine (How “Muslim” is code word for “Nigger”)

Let me first say that I do not think every Republican is a racist. Many Republicans are more concerned with money, and how to keep it, than they are with race, and I am in no position to judge them. While I am willing to have a few less dollars in my SunTrust account if it means a few extra go into the GreaterGood account, many people are not and that’s fine. What is not fine is the undeniable hate and ignorance that is rearing its head as the once unbelievable idea of a non-white man becoming President of the United States is nearing reality.

First, let’s talk about the word Muslim. It’s has become the new, safe way for white people to scream out “because he’s a nigger!” when explaining why they would not vote for Barack Obama. But, let’s pretend, just for a moment, that the people who scream out “he’s a Muslim” mean just that. Let’s imagine that they are not racists. Ready? Well, those people would still be spouting narrow-minded ignorance. Because that would mean they are using “Muslim” as a code word for “terrorist,” which is just as asinine.

What if Barack Obama WERE a Muslim? Does that mean he would also be part of Al-Qaeda? He happens to be a Christian. Does this mean we should worry about him starting a war to impose those “Christian ideas” on other countries? Oh no, never mind, Christians would NEVER do something like that. Only those dirty, terrorist Muslims, quietly known as “sand niggers.” See how it always comes back to the non-white part? We sure hate brown people.

Here are just a few examples of the hate that has been coming out lately.

Want to know where this piece of genius comes from? It was in the October newsletter by the Chaffey Community Republican Women, Federate in Riverdale, California, which says that if Obama is elected his image will appear on food stamps — instead of dollar bills like other presidents. You can read all about the incident and how offending anyone was “clearly not (their) attempt” here.

I know you want more examples of the kind of hate that is coming from Republicans, right? I leave you with a few videos to “enjoy.”

How the Gene Simmons Sex Video Has Scarred Me for Life

There are things I’ve seen during my life that I will never forget. This is especially true of those that I wish I COULD forget. Things that fall into the “wish I could forget” category include watching a car smash into a parked DOT truck on the interstate, then getting out and seeing a little old lady — who had been riding in the backseat — embedded in the windshield. Another would be the infamous Budd Dwyer suicide video, in which a disgraced politician blew his brains out in front of a room full of shocked people.

As of this week, there is yet another image that will forever scar my psyche – the image of Gene Simmons having sex.

I don’t know why I watched the Gene Simmons sex tape that was “leaked” this week, but I did. I guess I watched it for the same reason most of us watch things we know we shouldn’t. Why we slow down and look out our windows when there is an accident on the highway and little old ladies are embedded in windshields. Why when someone hands us something while saying, “smell this, it’s horrible,” we dutifully take a big whiff. I can’t blame the viewing on my growing up a huge KISS fan. While it is true that I grew up a KISS fan, I would have watched a video of John Forsyth bangin’ Joan Collins, and I never watched Dynasty.

I’ll just blame it on my perverse nature.

Anyway, the thought of Gene Simmons having sex is bad enough, but to see it? EGADS! I say this not because the guy is unattractive, which he certainly is, but because he embodies the word sleazy.

Sleazy is one of those adjectives — like putz, weasel and tool — that you can’t just throw around. While you can call any guy an asshole, you can’t call them sleazy unless it really fits. And when it fits, boy does it fit.

Sleazy fits Gene Simmons like dragon boots with seven-inch heels.

So, watching the Gene Simmons sex video made me feel dirty. It didn’t make me laugh, or even smirk. It just made me feel dirty and nauseous. At least initially.

Now that I’ve had a few days for the experience to settle deep into my brain, where it will live for the rest of my existence, I find the video to be as sad as it is stomach churning. That’s saying a lot.

First of all, I feel bad for the girl in the video. I don’t normally have a lot of compassion for fake-breasted model types but, in this case, I can’t help it. Here she is, her moment with a rock star of epic proportions and, based on what I gathered watching the instant replay, he turns out to be the worst lay of her life. He, the God of Thunder, turns out to be more like the Dud of Lovers.

I’m not trying to imply that I’m dynamite in the sack, but there are a few important things that Gene and I do differently in the bedroom:

1) I take off my pants, shoes and shirt.
2) I don’t chew gum.
3) I don’t have fucking Foreigner playing in the background! (If you haven’t seen the video, “I Want to Know What Love Is” is playing throughout.)

This is the guy who says — and I believe him – that he’s had sex with more than 4,000 women. Sorry, he calls them “liaisons.”

This is the guy who says that he doesn’t drink or do drugs because he is more interested in “chasing skirt.” You understand how “sleazy” fits Gene now, yes?

In his infamous interview with NPR’s Terry Gross, Gene said the following:

“And if you were in my room and we were going to have a liaison, and you were high, you’d be out on your butt before you could spell your last name. Because if you don’t want to experience me with all the senses God gave you, you don’t deserve to be with me.”

Never does Gene mention that the experience is going to be as dull as possible. I mean, unless it’s in a part of the video that I haven’t seen, he doesn’t even go down on the poor girl. The man has a legendary, lengthy tongue and he doesn’t even use it! What the fuck Gene?!?

Unless you count my Susanna Hoffs’ fantasies in the late ’80s, I’ve never thought about having sex with a rock star, although if I were a woman I’m sure I would have thought about it plenty. In fact, I’d probably be such a slut that I could write a book on all my “liaisons” by now. But, if I force myself to think about sex with a rock star, I imagine something good and tawdry. Something animalistic. Sure, it wouldn’t be, and I would never expect it to be, romantic. But, I would hope the rock star would at least take off his goddamn shirt and pants. And I wouldn’t expect to hear Foreigner in the background even if I were getting corn-holed by Lou Gramm.

Gene not taking his shirt off is something else I found sad about the video. Here we have one of the most egotistical human beings in the world, and when it comes to the safe confines of the bedroom, he’s too insecure to take off his shirt. This reminded me again of the Terry Gross interview. At one point, Gene was rambling on about all his money and said, “Don’t I sound like a happy guy?” Terry Gross simply replied, “Not really, to be honest with you.”

That response sums up what I’ve probably always felt about Gene Simmons but never acknowledged. I was always too busy thinking he was funny, which he can be, and smart, which he certainly is. I was too blinded by his bold statements to see that, underneath all the bluster, he is a sad man. Gene would never admit this, of course, because it would reveal a crack in his ego-finish veneer. But, for those of us who were unfortunate enough to watch him have sex on video and then took the time to analyze it, we know it to be true.

Foreigner playing in the background is making sense to me now. It’s Gene’s cry for help. In his life, there’s been heartache and pain. He doesn’t know if he can face it again. He can’t stop now, he traveled too far, to change his lonely life. He wants to know what love is. He wants you to show him…

I think he’d stand a better chance if he’d take off his clothes and spit out the gum. Or at least start with some cunnilingus.

Scamming for Girl Scout Cookies

Since I enjoy Do-Si-Dos, Samoas and Thin Mints as much as the next guy, I was initially pissed off when I read the story about a group of Girl Scouts in Westminster, Colorado who were scammed by a couple with a fake $100 bill. (Good thing the couple didn’t try this at my neighborhood Kroger.)

But, then I read the story on a different news site, which included a quote from the cookie director:

“It felt and looked wrong and it was a quarter of an inch shorted than a $1 bill,” said Jil Hennessey-Seabolt, the cookie director for Junior Girl Scouts Troop 2121. Hennessey-Seabolt said the Girl Scouts gave the couple $93.50 in change after the purchase.

It felt and looked wrong?!? Then why did you accept it? It’s not like there wouldn’t be plenty more people ready to buy boxes of Girl Scout Cookies with real cash. I guess you don’t have to have a lot of smarts to be named “cookie director.” This may be the best thing that could have happened to those little girls, since it’s never to early to find out that there are a lot of sheisty people in this world, ready and able to take advantage of the greater number of brain dead tools.

Please Clean up Your Wiener Poopie

Jesus has been kidnapped!! He’s being held for ransom until Jean Mansel of Kent County, Michigan cleans up her wiener poopie. Please Jean, clean up your wiener poopie. Trust us, we see you take your wieners for long walks without picking up their poopie. Shame on you!!

Evander Holyfield and the Karaoke Singer

I just saw this on comcast.com when I went to check my email. Think it was an accident that the Holyfield story is stacked on top of a headline about someone having their ear bitten off? Shit. Now that I’ve taken a screenshot, cropped it in Photoshop and uploaded it to WordPress, it’s not as funny. Oh well. I’ll be damned if I’m not going to post it anyway.