How People Find Stale Bread: 2/12-2/19

internet_surferEvery once in a while I like to check out my blog stats. I do not do this to stroke my ego. I mean, how much stroking can one do when finding out a whopping 45 people checked out their blog the day before? Not much. Instead, I like checking my stats to see HOW they found my rarely-updated spot on the web. I am almost always surprised, and even disgusted at what I find.

So, I figured, why not start sharing some of these search terms, just in case you’ve started thinking most people use the Internets to expand their mind. My “top line” analysis? There are a lot of people out there who are really obsessed with tattoos, Gene Simmons and “fucken” 17 year olds. Oh, and a lot of them are also racists who want to know how to best use their iPhone.

Here are some highlights from 2/12/09 – 2/19/09

  • shit tattoos
  • what republicans say the word nigger
  • gene simmons sex tongue
  • what is with all the winking on
  • i’ll never stop loving you tattoo
  • 17 years oldfuck hard
  • “michael vick” +nigger
  • 17 years oldfuck hard
  • quiet riot
  • top iphone uses
  • pussypower
  • heidi fleiss ugly
  • gene simmons cunnilingus
  • power to the pussy
  • 17 year old fucked
  • sex in a truck
  • christian tattoos
  • old lady sex
  • best uses of the iphone
  • fucken 17 yearold
  • people who hate republican
  • 17 year old fuck
  • 1980 clothes fashion
  • stale pussy
  • does gene simmons drink or do drugs
  • can a 17 year old fuck a thirty year old
  • why be thankful for today

Do Not Play That Song at My Wedding

van morrisonMy wedding is less than 100 days away, which means it’s time for me to take care of the few things left on my to-do list. One of the most important of those items is my “Do not play” list for the wedding band. While many couples probably tell wedding bands all the songs they really have to hear, I’m taking the opposite approach. There are no songs I HAVE to hear performed by a wedding band, but there are songs that I don’t want to hear under any circumstances.

I thought I’d share with you the list I’m sending to the band, along with a note informing them that these songs are NOT to be played, even if the father of the bride makes the request.

(Some of these quickly came to mind, while others I found while going through the band’s song list.)

Brown-Eyed Girl – Van Morrison
This song is the reason I started the list in the first place. My reasons for hating this song have less to do with Van Morrison and more to do with the people who love the song. Every time I hear it I think of both young and aging frat boys and sorority girls singing it at the top of their annoying fucking lungs while at a kegger.

Hotel California – The Eagles
I think Jeff Lebowski sums up my feelings better than I possibly could; “I hate the fucking Eagles, man.”

Margaritaville – Jimmy Buffett
There is not enough tequila in the world to make me like this song or ever want to hear it again.

Play That Funky Music – Wild Cherry
I’m just not sure I’m ready to see a room full of white, predominantly Jewish people attempting to “lay down the boogie.”

Love Shack – B-52’s
There are plenty of good B-52’s songs, but this has never been one of them. If the band chooses to play it, they can head back down the Atlanta Highway in their big-as-a-whale Chrysler. But they won’t have all their jukebox money.

I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor
As long as I know how to love, I know I will stay alive, but I’ll start considering suicide if I ever have to hear this song again.

Mustang Sally – Wilson Pickett
See Brown-Eyed Girl (minus the young people)

Rambling Man – Allman Brothers
I grew up near Macon, GA, home of the Allman Brothers, where it was assumed you wanted to hear them played two to three times an hour on the radio. I never wanted to hear them at all, and I sure as hell don’t want to hear them at my wedding.

Here are some more songs that made my Do Not Play list that are not even worth commenting on:

My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion
Only Wanna Be With You – Hootie & The Blowfish
Sweet Home Alabama – Lynyrd Skynyrd
All I Wanna Do – Sheryl Crow
I Believe I Can Fly – R Kelly
Far Away, I’m Alive – Nickelback
Give Me One Reason – Tracy Chapman
Smooth – Santana
Old Time Rock & Roll – Bob Seger
We Belong Together – Mariah Carey

Damn it feels good to be a softy

It has been more than a week since the election and I am still emotional, and amazed at how my cynicism still sleeps.

I woke up November 4 with a lot of anger inside me, as you can see in my post from that day. However, I woke up November 5 feeling like a new person. I don’t even feel cheesy saying that. I love feeling like this. I love having positive feelings about my country.

It started with Barack Obama’s acceptance speech. I knew I would cry if he was elected and, well, I did. I was actually doing OK holding the tears back, but then he had to mention the 106-year-old black woman. Bastard! That was the moment I lost it. But, it didn’t stop there. Every once in a while it hits me all over again and I start to tear up.

It happened again this past weekend. I was at the Atlanta Falcons’ game, and the weirdest thing happened. During the singing of the National Anthem, I got teary-eyed. Usually I want the singer to hurry the hell up so the game can start. Not this time. I stood there proudly and smiled. Finally, the country in which I live feels united. Now I can focus my anger not on the far-right zealots, who are thankfully in the rear-view mirror, but on things that make me mad, but are of no real consequence. People who stand in my way on escalators, I’m coming for ya!

I also get a little choked up watching the kid at 0:53 in this video:

Just Get Off Your Asses Already!


“We are all born with the same opportunities.”

This was just said to me by a co-worker. Why did the coworker say something so asinine? Well, it was her reasoning as to why a)she is a John McCain supporter and b) she doesn’t want her taxes raised to “give money to people who don’t work for it.”

I understand that we should all work hard to make ourselves better people, but to say that we are all born with the same opportunities is ridiculous. Can any rational person really say that this is true?

What about kids with drug addicts for parents, or kids who are physically and/or sexually abused? Wait. The more I think about it, fuck them. They have the same opportunity as all of us!

Then I think about how not terribly long ago, black people and women couldn’t even vote. But, then again, fuck them too! I don’t see how being thought of as less than human should blind you from the fact that you have the same opportunities as everyone else. They are just lazy!

Oh, and the people born with mental conditions? Why do they think for one minute that, just because they spit up on themselves, they can’t do what everyone else can do? I, for one, don’t want my tax dollars paying for some fucking retard to sit around on their ass all day watching Family Feud reruns. Don’t even get me started on the gays!

I’m glad I wrote this, because now I totally get it. My coworker was right. We are all the same. We all have the same opportunities. How could I have been so stupid?

Republican Hate Machine (How “Muslim” is code word for “Nigger”)

Let me first say that I do not think every Republican is a racist. Many Republicans are more concerned with money, and how to keep it, than they are with race, and I am in no position to judge them. While I am willing to have a few less dollars in my SunTrust account if it means a few extra go into the GreaterGood account, many people are not and that’s fine. What is not fine is the undeniable hate and ignorance that is rearing its head as the once unbelievable idea of a non-white man becoming President of the United States is nearing reality.

First, let’s talk about the word Muslim. It’s has become the new, safe way for white people to scream out “because he’s a nigger!” when explaining why they would not vote for Barack Obama. But, let’s pretend, just for a moment, that the people who scream out “he’s a Muslim” mean just that. Let’s imagine that they are not racists. Ready? Well, those people would still be spouting narrow-minded ignorance. Because that would mean they are using “Muslim” as a code word for “terrorist,” which is just as asinine.

What if Barack Obama WERE a Muslim? Does that mean he would also be part of Al-Qaeda? He happens to be a Christian. Does this mean we should worry about him starting a war to impose those “Christian ideas” on other countries? Oh no, never mind, Christians would NEVER do something like that. Only those dirty, terrorist Muslims, quietly known as “sand niggers.” See how it always comes back to the non-white part? We sure hate brown people.

Here are just a few examples of the hate that has been coming out lately.

Want to know where this piece of genius comes from? It was in the October newsletter by the Chaffey Community Republican Women, Federate in Riverdale, California, which says that if Obama is elected his image will appear on food stamps — instead of dollar bills like other presidents. You can read all about the incident and how offending anyone was “clearly not (their) attempt” here.

I know you want more examples of the kind of hate that is coming from Republicans, right? I leave you with a few videos to “enjoy.”

Why I am Voting for Barack Obama

Like most people, I’m cynical about our current political structure. I think we need a third party in this country and, if we can’t make that a reality, we need to, at the very least, demand more of the two parties in power.

But my cynicism is not what this entry is about. I am writing to share the reason I am voting for Barack Obama. And the overwhelming reason is… wait for it… because he is non-white. There, I said it. I will readily admit this makes me a hypocrite, and I can live with that, but when I think not too long and hard about it, I can’t deny the truth.

Sure, there are other reasons I could give you for why I’m voting for “That One,” and not all of them would be because he’s NOT John McCain and his running mate is NOT Sarah Palin. Some of the reasons include my liking his “ideas” about diplomacy, taxes and health care. I put “ideas” in quotations because, until he acts on them, that’s all they are. That brings me to another reason I’m voting for Barack Obama. He makes me FEEL something. He makes me feel like those “ideas” could become reality. He makes me feel like maybe he does mean what he says and that one day I’ll be able to get rid of my deep-seeded cynicism. His winning the Presidency would certainly go a long way in doing just that.

Since I grew up in the redneck-infested town of Warner Robins, Georgia, race has always been a big issue for me. Let me give you a quick example of why. One day, while walking through the mall parking lot, I passed a group of young, black teenagers. They were hanging around their car, joking around with each other and laughing. As I continued walking to my car, a middle-aged white woman walks past me and says, “Just like a bunch of monkeys, huh? They need to go back to the zoo.” Just because I was white, this woman thought I shared her racist views. I guess she thought we could bond via hate.

I’ll give you one more example of why race resonates so loudly with me. Maybe one day I’ll write more about it, but for now I’ll keep it to one sentence: I once watched in horror as a black friend of mine was beaten repeatedly by the Macon Police, years before anyone heard of Rodney King, and those cops also got away with it.

So, yes, I say without hesitation that the biggest reason I want Barack Obama to be the next President of the United States is that he is non-white. Like Sam Cooke once sang, “It’s been a long time coming, but I know a change is going to come.” That change is going to be a wake-up call for the bigots of this country. The voices on the other end of the line will inform them that, like it or not, we are finally growing together as a country instead of growing apart. It doesn’t mean we won’t still have a long way to go, but it means we will finally be on the right path. Then it’s up to Obama to deliver on what he promises and I sure hope he does.

Barack Obama is a Muslim and there will be genocide in the U.S.!!

As I await the final Presidential Debate tonight, I thought I’d share what happened to me last week at a break the fast party. (Not being a Jew, I didn’t fast, but I am always down for a dinner party.)

It started off as any good night should; mac n’ cheese balls, pigs in blankets and expensive scotch. But, a few “Happy New Years” later, the political talk started. Thankfully, it didn’t go on long before someone said, “let’s not talk politics.” Ah, saved from the drama. For the moment.

The matzo ball soup was enjoyed without incident. But, as soon as we started in on the bagels, lox and cheese blintzes, the talk of babies, marriage, and cardiovascular workouts turned to Obama and McCain.

We were sitting with a brother and sister (Drone 1, Drone 2) and both almost gleefully said they were “Obama haters.” From that point it went something like this:

Drone 2 said she “didn’t want to talk about it,” and left the table. I guess her opinions weren’t strong enough to defend. Or maybe she was just wondering if there were any pigs in blankets left in the other room. (Um, thanks to me, that would be a no.)

When she left the room, Drone 1 started talking about the thing most McCain supporters bring up, taxes. The kid is from a family who has a multi-million dollar diamond business, so at LEAST he’s in the tax bracket that would be affected by a tax hike, unlike most jag-offs who whine about taxes. However, he wasn’t saying anything new or exciting, just the same talking points that can be summed up in one sentence – “Obama will raise taxes on our business.” He actually had nothing good to say about McCain, which was telling.

He kept talking about money, until I finally gave up my silence and said, “I don’t like taxes anymore than the next guy, but if a few extra dollars out of my pocket means someone else has a better chance to succeed, I’ll take the hit.” To that, he had nothing and shut up for a while.

I know I’m not living in the same bracket as Drone 1 and his family, but I know a hefty portion of my salary goes to taxes. It’s all relative. I also know, and this is something that almost no one ever talks about, that my tax dollars help make this country great. I am not “entitled” to things such as paved roads and police protection; I pay for them. Yes, my tax dollars also go to pork projects that infuriate me, but no one ever said things were perfect. Hell, I’m also paying for a war I don’t believe in.

Anyway, after a while, the guy’s father, King Drone, came in from the other room and chimed in with “Liberals have nothing. It’s so easy to be a liberal. You just live off the government.” I was shocked, even though I shouldn’t have been. This is the way people like The Drones think. And at least now I know this kid is just repeating what his father has told him.

Next up is the kid’s mom, Queen Drone. She seemed nice enough, but then she started talking about Lebanon. Somehow the story ends up on Obama and how he is Muslim and how if he is elected, there will be genocide. At this point, I lose it. I dropped my bagel and finally speak up.

“Are you serious? You can’t be serious. You’re really kidding, right? With all due respect (I hated saying this, because she deserved no respect) are you seriously telling me that you think Obama is a Muslim and a terrorist and that there will be Genocide in the U.S.” She replies, “You don’t know. You don’t know.” Since this was a family function, all I could do was reply with “this is crazy, I have to walk away.” I went to the bathroom, where I hung out until I heard that The Drones had left. You can’t talk to people like The Drones. They won’t listen to you. They don’t bother checking sites like or before they start repeating what one of their friends told them.

Why, oh why, are so many people like this? At least the Drone 1 was talking about SOMETHING, even if it was flawed. But the mother? She was spouting nonsense and thinly-veiled racism. She was a walking, talking email forward. I only wish I could have hit delete and then emptied my trash.