Homosexuality is Hilarious

image_afl08_la_chi16Me and my boy Hagearty went to an Atlanta Thrashers game last night, where I was quickly reminded of something that really pisses me off at sporting events: Kiss Cam.

For those of you not familiar with the Kiss Cam, it goes like this: during the game, when there is a break in the action, some “romantic” music starts playing and, on the JumboTron, the camera starts searching for couples. The couples then dutifully kiss for the cam, and everyone goes “awwww!”

It always starts with your cookie-cutter-cute couples to get the crowd warmed up. Then the cam finds at least one elderly couple. This always brings a louder “awwww!” and sometimes even applause from the crowd. For some reason, large groups seem to enjoy watching old people make out. And I thought granny porn was niche.

Anyway, this goes on for a minute or so until it’s time for the big finish, which is when the cam focuses on two male friends who immediately start shaking their heads “no!” while moving as far away from each other as possible. This doesn’t get an “awwww!” but roars of laughter. Why? Because, sadly, there are still a bunch of dumb motherfuckers out there and, to play the stereotype game they are so fond of, you can usually find said dumb motherfuckers at sporting events.

As the Kiss Cam started last night, Hagearty and I joked about how it was going to end up on two guys. This was an easy call, but I was still hoping I would be wrong. I hadn’t seen the Kiss Cam in a while, so I was hoping we had finally moved past this sort of thing. Maybe that was just me being an idealistic dope. After all, two nights before I had been moved by Dustin Lance Black’s acceptance speech at the Academy Awards and had real hope for us as a country.

I also let Hagearty know that if the cam was pointed on us, I was going to kiss him. And, though I’m not sure he believed me, I meant it. Although he’s not the kind of man I’d go for if I were gay, I’d rather kiss Hagearty than play into the tired “joke” provided by the Kiss Cam.

As it turns out, the cam didn’t end up on us, but it did end up focusing on… you guessed it; two guys, who immediately started shaking their heads “no!” while moving as far away from each other as possible. Fucking hilarious, I tell you. Comedy gold! Oh, and to really hammer the joke home, the music changed to Wham’s “I’m Your Man.” Get it?!? Get it?!

Funny how these same types of idiots quickly jump to their feet when Y.M.C.A. is played, without even a hint of irony. Maybe if the Village People would have been less “subtle,” these homophobes would understand what that song was about. Maybe the lyrics should have been “you can hang out with all the boys, and then get a dick in your mouth.” Although, come to think of it, it’s really FUN to do the Y.M.C.A. at sporting events, so maybe they would still do it. Then, when the song ended, they would high five each other while saying, “That was fun. Not that I’m queer or anything!”

Am I saying that we shouldn’t joke about homosexuality, or homosexuals? Hell no! We should be able to joke about anything and everything as long as it’s funny and/or insightful and without hate attached to it. Is that really too much to ask for?

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Barack Obama is a Muslim and there will be genocide in the U.S.!!

As I await the final Presidential Debate tonight, I thought I’d share what happened to me last week at a break the fast party. (Not being a Jew, I didn’t fast, but I am always down for a dinner party.)

It started off as any good night should; mac n’ cheese balls, pigs in blankets and expensive scotch. But, a few “Happy New Years” later, the political talk started. Thankfully, it didn’t go on long before someone said, “let’s not talk politics.” Ah, saved from the drama. For the moment.

The matzo ball soup was enjoyed without incident. But, as soon as we started in on the bagels, lox and cheese blintzes, the talk of babies, marriage, and cardiovascular workouts turned to Obama and McCain.

We were sitting with a brother and sister (Drone 1, Drone 2) and both almost gleefully said they were “Obama haters.” From that point it went something like this:

Drone 2 said she “didn’t want to talk about it,” and left the table. I guess her opinions weren’t strong enough to defend. Or maybe she was just wondering if there were any pigs in blankets left in the other room. (Um, thanks to me, that would be a no.)

When she left the room, Drone 1 started talking about the thing most McCain supporters bring up, taxes. The kid is from a family who has a multi-million dollar diamond business, so at LEAST he’s in the tax bracket that would be affected by a tax hike, unlike most jag-offs who whine about taxes. However, he wasn’t saying anything new or exciting, just the same talking points that can be summed up in one sentence – “Obama will raise taxes on our business.” He actually had nothing good to say about McCain, which was telling.

He kept talking about money, until I finally gave up my silence and said, “I don’t like taxes anymore than the next guy, but if a few extra dollars out of my pocket means someone else has a better chance to succeed, I’ll take the hit.” To that, he had nothing and shut up for a while.

I know I’m not living in the same bracket as Drone 1 and his family, but I know a hefty portion of my salary goes to taxes. It’s all relative. I also know, and this is something that almost no one ever talks about, that my tax dollars help make this country great. I am not “entitled” to things such as paved roads and police protection; I pay for them. Yes, my tax dollars also go to pork projects that infuriate me, but no one ever said things were perfect. Hell, I’m also paying for a war I don’t believe in.

Anyway, after a while, the guy’s father, King Drone, came in from the other room and chimed in with “Liberals have nothing. It’s so easy to be a liberal. You just live off the government.” I was shocked, even though I shouldn’t have been. This is the way people like The Drones think. And at least now I know this kid is just repeating what his father has told him.

Next up is the kid’s mom, Queen Drone. She seemed nice enough, but then she started talking about Lebanon. Somehow the story ends up on Obama and how he is Muslim and how if he is elected, there will be genocide. At this point, I lose it. I dropped my bagel and finally speak up.

“Are you serious? You can’t be serious. You’re really kidding, right? With all due respect (I hated saying this, because she deserved no respect) are you seriously telling me that you think Obama is a Muslim and a terrorist and that there will be Genocide in the U.S.” She replies, “You don’t know. You don’t know.” Since this was a family function, all I could do was reply with “this is crazy, I have to walk away.” I went to the bathroom, where I hung out until I heard that The Drones had left. You can’t talk to people like The Drones. They won’t listen to you. They don’t bother checking sites like factcheck.org or snopes.com before they start repeating what one of their friends told them.

Why, oh why, are so many people like this? At least the Drone 1 was talking about SOMETHING, even if it was flawed. But the mother? She was spouting nonsense and thinly-veiled racism. She was a walking, talking email forward. I only wish I could have hit delete and then emptied my trash.

Hey Mexicans – Learn the Language or Get Out!

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I work at a large media company. I mention this so you’ll understand why this bumper sticker, which is on a fellow employee’s car, is even more disturbing to me than it would normally be.

I wouldn’t be surprised by this display of narrow-minded ignorance if I worked at, say, a Wal-Mart, but I am surprised seeing it where I work. It seems that someone who holds such an a.m. radio/FOX News-influenced view of the world wouldn’t be working for a “liberal” media company. But, that just shows how naive I am. At 35, I finally realize that, no matter where you go, you can’t escape the sad sect of simpletons that view the world through red, WHITE and blue glasses. And, as an aside, I’m willing to bet that whoever drives this car is the type of person who, if they travel at all, goes to a foreign country without making an attempt to learn the country’s language and, upon landing, heads to the closest McDonald’s.

Scamming for Girl Scout Cookies

gscookie.gifSince I enjoy Do-Si-Dos, Samoas and Thin Mints as much as the next guy, I was initially pissed off when I read the story about a group of Girl Scouts in Westminster, Colorado who were scammed by a couple with a fake $100 bill. (Good thing the couple didn’t try this at my neighborhood Kroger.)

But, then I read the story on a different news site, which included a quote from the cookie director:

“It felt and looked wrong and it was a quarter of an inch shorted than a $1 bill,” said Jil Hennessey-Seabolt, the cookie director for Junior Girl Scouts Troop 2121. Hennessey-Seabolt said the Girl Scouts gave the couple $93.50 in change after the purchase.

It felt and looked wrong?!? Then why did you accept it? It’s not like there wouldn’t be plenty more people ready to buy boxes of Girl Scout Cookies with real cash. I guess you don’t have to have a lot of smarts to be named “cookie director.” This may be the best thing that could have happened to those little girls, since it’s never to early to find out that there are a lot of sheisty people in this world, ready and able to take advantage of the greater number of brain dead tools.